Last Saturday I went out on a road trip with a few other people. Al long the way we chatted about girls boys mothers fathers and their children. Before we knew it, the subject had changed to that of child psychology and how a child becomes affected with the parenting style, especially when they grow up. Before we knew it, we were talking about mental health, mood disorders and depression. It so happened that we learned that we are all on medication for mental disorders of some sorts, all 5 occupants of the car!
Now this girl starts asking me about my bipolar disorder. I tell her about my childhood and that I already knew that I was different to other children long before I was even medically diagnosed with Bipolar II and schizophrenia manic disorder. again she asked: what did your psychiatrist recommend in terms of managing the disorder? How do you manage a fit of rage or a crying spell right here and right now. I really had to dig around in my brain to find the right file, pull it out and read the script word for word. I could not find any. Both my psychologist and psychiatrist did not tell me that. Instead I found my own way to handle things in the heat of the moment.
Earlier this year, I was living in a different zip code. I was sharing a big house with another family. They had a stack of books in the communal shelf. One book jumped at me and I yielded like a stepford wife. Finding your north star, was the title of the book. I got buried in the book from the start. It was like I was on the phone with a friend who never lets me talk but does all the talking which I really enjoy. The author of the book speaks about socially acceptable behaviors versus personal preferances. She recommends that you listen to your body in order to hear it when it sings and when it cries. Identify the things that only you know that they make you happy and follow them. All those that do not make you happy, reject them, no matter what other people may think.
I started noticing that some people, places and activities make me sing while others make me cry, in my head at least they do. By avoiding the things that make my soul wail, I get fewer manic attacks. By keeping to those I like, I am in nirvana! She states that the more you go towards your north star, the more you will feel internal peace and calm. I find that I am more peaceful when I am left alone. I do however, like to be in the company of other human beings for brief moments only. When I withdraw myself to be alone again, I often get bombarded with questions of why I am leaving, which I never answer.
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